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Old 01-21-2011, 12:12 PM   #1
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Friday joke.....

Replacement Windows


Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the
contractor who installed them.
He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and
I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,........... just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales
guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for
themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just
hung up.
He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
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Old 01-21-2011, 12:24 PM   #2
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Oh, the pane.
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Old 01-21-2011, 12:56 PM   #3
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Oh, the pane.
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Old 01-21-2011, 12:59 PM   #4
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Sorry, but his response was funnier than the joke.
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Old 01-21-2011, 01:08 PM   #5
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Sorry, but his response was funnier than the joke.
I have to admit, his response did make me chuckle.
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Old 01-21-2011, 02:17 PM   #6
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eh i like both. they made the work day a lil better...
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Old 01-21-2011, 06:49 PM   #7
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What yer calla reindeer with no eyes


No I-dea !
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Old 01-21-2011, 08:19 PM   #8
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Since this is turning into a corny joke thread:

I went to elem school with a girl who was born w/o any eyelids. Plastic surgeons were able to construct eyelids for her using discarded foreskins from circumcisions performed on the maternity ward. They did a magnificent job!!! You couldn't tell that there was anything different about her. However, if you really looked her in the eyes, you could see that she was actually............................

























































a little "cockeyed".

Last edited by Doug3; 01-21-2011 at 08:22 PM.
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Old 01-21-2011, 08:47 PM   #9
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And then there was the guy who just couldn't stop dripping after urination. No matter how much he tapped the damn thing he always seemed to get a couple more drops afterward. Finally it got to him so much he went to see the doctor.

"Doc, I've got a problem. Every time I take a leak I always have a few drops that come out afterward. It makes a wet spot on my pants and it's really embarrassing. Can you do anything for me?"

"Well, as it turns out we can. There's a new surgery where we take a tiny piece of cartilage from the septum in your nose and insert it in the tip of your *****. It's completely safe and so far has been 100% effective in solving this problem."

So the guy has the surgery. He finally gets fully recovered and it's time for his first pee. He takes a normal leak but when he's finished he sees a drop start to come out like before. For a moment he thinks he still has his problem.

But right then his ***** goes *SNIFFFFF* and the drip goes back in.
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Old 01-21-2011, 09:10 PM   #10
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^^somebody stop that man, he's completely insane.
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Old 05-20-2011, 11:08 AM   #11
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A teacher's story about stuttering (not for car lover's)

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty
and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start
and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"
but before she could say '****-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room.
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Old 05-20-2011, 11:10 AM   #12
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OK, that one got a laught out of me, but I am not sure why car lovers wouldnt like it.
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Old 05-20-2011, 11:13 AM   #13
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My friend who has cats didn't think it was funny.
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Old 05-20-2011, 11:33 AM   #14
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Ohhh cat lovers! lol. These are good, I have to keep it going here:

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out Both were very
faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on
the Bacardi Breezers..



Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee,so they stopped
in the cemetery...



One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought

she would take off her panties and use them.



Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and
did not want to ruin them.



She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave

that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she

proceeded to wipe with that.



After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home..



The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his
normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he
phoned the other husband and said:

"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.

My wife came home with no panties!!"



"That's nothing," said the other husband,

"Mine came back with a card stuck to her *** that said.....



'From:

all of us at the Fire Station.

We'll never forget you.' "
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Old 05-20-2011, 11:38 AM   #15
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HAHA!
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Old 05-20-2011, 11:43 AM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by StrayS2k View Post
Ohhh cat lovers! lol. These are good, I have to keep it going here:

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out Both were very
faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on
the Bacardi Breezers..

"
That bacardi is the devils drink!
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Old 05-20-2011, 01:38 PM   #17
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I love cats...with A-1 sauce.
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Old 05-20-2011, 02:24 PM   #18
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^^tastes like chicken??
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Old 08-01-2011, 08:58 AM   #19
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I know it's only Monday, but....

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London. A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.
The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland" he says, "Discus" and in he walks.
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "Waddington-Smythe, England" he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.
The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland" he says, "Fencing."
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Old 08-01-2011, 10:57 AM   #20
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A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to and motioned for her to come nearer...

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?'
'What dear?' she gently asked, eyes swelling and smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.





'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck....'
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Old 08-24-2012, 01:17 PM   #21
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When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.


I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro, what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
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Old 08-24-2012, 01:47 PM   #22
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Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and
horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year
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Old 08-24-2012, 01:53 PM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Switchblade View Post
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and
horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year
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Old 08-24-2012, 01:54 PM   #24
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Thanks guys, that was a good way to end Friday work day. Have a good week-end!!!
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Old 08-24-2012, 02:08 PM   #25
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Older Women --

I'll confess, I ended up with an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that?' I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom, you still awake?'
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Old 08-24-2012, 11:59 PM   #26
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Two cannibals are eating a clown. One asks the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
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Old 08-31-2012, 06:02 AM   #27
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Passing

Please join me in remembering a great ICON of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, and three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at
350 for about 20 minutes.

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Old 08-31-2012, 06:19 AM   #28
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Switch, that was very good, I'm still giggling. Thanks.
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Old 08-31-2012, 06:44 AM   #29
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Those jokes made my day!
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Old 08-31-2012, 11:24 AM   #30
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good one 'blade.
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Old 08-31-2012, 12:14 PM   #31
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good one 'blade.
Thanks Glenn. I know it's your thread but I figure I'd try and keep it going every Friday.
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Old 08-31-2012, 01:42 PM   #32
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Switchblade View Post
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
And we wonder why we have not female members on this site!
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Old 08-31-2012, 05:09 PM   #33
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Switchblade View Post
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and
horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year
Sorta like when GM and Toyota got together to try to create GM's first hybrid.

They combined the Prius technology in a Prism. Called the Priuprism it wasn't a big success. The ride was so stiff that it you drove it for more than 4 hours you had to make an emergency visit to the shop!
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Old 09-07-2012, 01:01 PM   #34
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Redneck Medical Terminology

Benign.................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria...............Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.................What you do with dead folks.
Cesarean Section.......A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan................Searching for the cat.
Cauterize...........Made eye contact with her.
Colic...............A sheep dog.
Coma................A punctuation mark.
D&C.................Where Washington is.
Dilate..............To live longer than your kids do.
Enema..............Not a friend.
Fester.............Quicker than someone else.
Fibula.............A small lie.
G.I.Series.........World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail...........What you hang your coat on.
Impotent............Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..........Getting hurt at work.
Morbid..............A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates............Cheaper than day rates.
Medical Staff.......A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake
Node.....................I knew it.
Outpatient...............A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis...................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative...........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room....Place to do upholstery.
Secretion........Hiding something
Tablet...........A small table to change babies on.
Seizure..........Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section
Terminal Illness....Getting sick at the train station.
Tumor...............More than one.
Urine...............Opposite of mine.
Varicose............Near by
Hospital............The biggest building in town, other than Joe's feed warehouse
or Franks lumber mill.
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Old 09-07-2012, 01:55 PM   #35
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^^
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Old 09-07-2012, 02:10 PM   #36
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Q. What happens when you toss a grenade into a French kitchen?

A. Linoleum Blownapart.
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Old 09-07-2012, 09:02 PM   #37
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Robot Lie Detector

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son
what he did that day.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son, again.

Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching ****."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what **** was!"

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well he certainly is your son!"

The robot slaps the mother!

End of Story
P.S. Robot For Sale
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Old 09-21-2012, 10:51 AM   #38
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The 23 adult truths


1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
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Old 09-21-2012, 10:59 AM   #39
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^^lol...true
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Old 09-21-2012, 11:02 AM   #40
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^^lol...true
I'm not even that old and find most of that stuff true!!
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