Off-Topic Forum for the discussion of anything that doesn't fit into one of the other forums.

Friday joke.....

Old 12-09-2012, 07:47 AM
  #81  
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I found this on CycleFish forum this morning:

It's A Frickin' Elephant





We who have taught, or love children who have been taught, know this is funny! From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher



My five-year old students are learning to read.
Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,
"Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"

I took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"

And so it does...





" A f r i c a n Elephant "

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?
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Old 12-09-2012, 11:12 AM
  #82  
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^^ lol, gotta luv kids ^^
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Old 12-14-2012, 01:34 PM
  #83  
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What did the tornado say to the sports car?
(Want to go for a spin!)

What part of the car is the laziest?
(The wheels, because they are always tired!)
What would you call the USA if everyone had a pink car?
(A pink car-nation!)
What would you call the USA if everyone lived in their cars?
(An in-car-nation!)
What does a houseboat turn into when it grows up?
(A township!)
What made the dinosaur's car stop?
(A flat Tire-annosaurus!)
What only starts to work after it's fired?
(A rocket!)
What's the worst vegetable to serve on a boat?
(Leeks!)
How do trains hear?
(Through their engine-ears!)
What do you say to a frog who needs a ride?
(Hop in!)
When is a car like a frog?
(When it's being toad!)
What happens when a frog parks in a no-parking space?
(It gets toad away!)
How do fleas travel from place to place?
(By itch-hiking?)
What do you get if you cross a dog and an airplane?
(A jet setter!) What has four wheels and flies?
(A garbage truck!)
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Old 12-14-2012, 03:10 PM
  #84  
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^^'blade have you been peeking at little brother's joke book?

Last edited by Glenn1; 12-14-2012 at 04:53 PM. Reason: saviing for next Friday's joke
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Old 12-14-2012, 04:49 PM
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And Lorena (Marilyn, I'm sorry) threw a hundred out the window on the expressway.

Jon
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Old 12-15-2012, 11:50 AM
  #86  
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An important reminder for this special time of the year. A friend sent this to me and I thought everyone might find it interesting and helpful...

At this time of the year, when the roadblocks come up with great regularity, I would like to share a personal experience with my closest friends about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before ~ I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.
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Old 12-15-2012, 10:23 PM
  #87  
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^^aw'rite Ken welcome to the club.
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Old 12-16-2012, 01:20 AM
  #88  
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Originally Posted by Glenn1 View Post
^^aw'rite Ken welcome to the club.
Been here, done that, Glenn...only post when I find something different enough to be entertaining.
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Old 12-16-2012, 11:57 AM
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Thde Affordable Care Act
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Old 12-17-2012, 07:30 AM
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Originally Posted by Glenn1 View Post
^^'blade have you been peeking at little brother's joke book?
Gotta bump it with something......
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Old 12-17-2012, 07:36 PM
  #91  
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oookay...can't wait until Friday...sorry to leave you hanging, Jon.

Who in the hell is Gary?

Well Gary is the guy who gets home late one night and Marilyn his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?"

Gary replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Certified Public Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Gary is in the General Hospital, Critical Care Unit, Room 233
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Old 12-18-2012, 05:22 AM
  #92  
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Originally Posted by Glenn1 View Post
oookay...can't wait until Friday...sorry to leave you hanging, Jon.

Who in the hell is Gary?

Well Gary is the guy who gets home late one night and Marilyn his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?"

Gary replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Certified Public Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Gary is in the General Hospital, Critical Care Unit, Room 233
LOL!
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Old 12-18-2012, 09:41 AM
  #93  
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An affluent couple just sat down for dinner and the husband figues this is the perfect time to quiz his trophy wife about what she might want for her upcoming birthday.

Husband: So, Carol, what can I get you for your birthday this year? How about
one of those nice diamond tennis bracelets??.... or, or..How about a
new mink coat??? Wait, I know, how about a new red sports car, a
convertible? I know you've always wanted one of those!

Wife: Herb, I want a divorce!

Husband: Yikes! I wasn't planning on spending THAT much!


S2000 Bob
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Old 12-21-2012, 05:31 AM
  #94  
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10 Things that Sound Dirty at Christmas, But Aren't
  • 10. Did you get any under the tree?
  • 9. I think your ***** are hanging too low.
  • 8. Check out Rudolph's Honker!
  • 7. Santa's sack is really bulging.
  • 6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
  • 5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
  • 4. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.
  • 3. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.
  • 2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
  • 1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.
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Old 12-21-2012, 05:46 AM
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The Mayan calendar..........................Ta dum tssshhh!
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Old 12-21-2012, 08:36 AM
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Originally Posted by Vanishing Point View Post
The Mayan calendar..........................Ta dum tssshhh!
LOL!
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Old 12-21-2012, 10:28 AM
  #97  
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I heard Australia is already gone.
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Old 12-21-2012, 01:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Glenn1 View Post
I heard Australia is already gone.
Heard they went down under.
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Old 12-21-2012, 04:00 PM
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A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash. He immediately jumps up on a table with his alligator and gets the crowd's attention. "Ladies and gentlemen, I am going to stick my genitals in this alligator's mouth and let him close his mouth on them. When he opens his mouth back up, my genitals will be unscathed."

So he unzips his pants, sticks his genitals in the alligator's mouth, the alligator bites down, and the man holds this position for a few seconds. He then takes a beer bottle, cracks it over the alligator's head, and the alligator releases his genitals, and sure enough they are perfectly fine.

He turns to the crowd and says "Now would anyone here like to try this?". A woman in the back of the bar raises her hand and replies "I'll try it, but only if you promise not to hit me over the head with a beer bottle."
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Old 12-27-2012, 11:14 PM
  #100  
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Talking

Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. As our passion began to heat up she said, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT?! What was that?!" She said, "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The next day I took off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her as she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewelry counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet. I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No baby, I don't feel like it." Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.
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Old 12-28-2012, 05:21 AM
  #101  
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Nice one Wwaallyy!!
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Old 12-28-2012, 12:39 PM
  #102  
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A woman walks into a Honda dealership. She browses around, then spots the car of her dreams, a yellow S2000 and she walks over to inspect it.

As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a small fart escapes her.

Extremely embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

But, as she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman; "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers; "Madame, I'm afraid I can't say.... If you farted just touching it......you're going to $hit when you hear the price."
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Old 12-28-2012, 12:59 PM
  #103  
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^^Lolz..I think I helped that customer.
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Old 01-04-2013, 10:13 AM
  #104  
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Dr. Marc Faber tells it how it is:


"The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China. If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs. If we buy a computer, it will go to India. If we purchase fruits and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala. If we purchase a good car, it will go to Germany and Japan. If we purchase useless crap, it will go to Taiwan. In short, none of it will help the American economy.
The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in the US. I've been doing my part....."
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Old 01-04-2013, 12:38 PM
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Q: Know why the British don't make computers?
A: They couldn't figure out how to make them leak oil!
-Bill Hancock
Q: What do you call an MG with dual exhaust?
A: A Wheelbarrow!
-Philip Payne
Q: How do you double the value of a Triumph?
A: Fill it up with gas!
-Paul Helsby
Q: What's the difference between a classic Jag owner and a classic Triumph owner?
A: The Jag owner washes his hands AFTER he's been for a pee, and the Triumph owner...
- Richard Gosling
Q: Why do the British drink warm beer?
A: Because the all have Lucus refrigerators. It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
-name withheld by request
Q: What are the two questions you hear most from the passenger in your MGBGT?
A: 1. Is it HOT in here?
2. Do you smell gas?
- Sir Drives-A-lot
Q: When does a man open the door of the car for his wife?
A.When he has a new car.
B.When he has a new wife.
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Old 01-05-2013, 01:53 AM
  #106  
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Originally Posted by Glenn1 View Post
Replacement Windows


Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the
contractor who installed them.
He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and
I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,........... just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales
guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for
themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just
hung up.
He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

lolll.. that was funny.................
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Old 01-05-2013, 12:19 PM
  #107  
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Originally Posted by Pereira View Post
lolll.. that was funny.................
http://www.rocketryforum.com/member.php?11780-Pereira

http://www.jeepkj.com/forum/members/pereira/

Check the "about me" info on each of these profiles. Note the status of banned already.

And then there are the results if you search its email address ( [email protected]): http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&tbo=d&q=Lavonapyb72378%40yahoo.com&oq =Lavonapyb72378%40yahoo.com

Automated bots are evil and should be digitally shot on sight.
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Old 01-07-2013, 09:24 AM
  #108  
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>> Puns for Educated Minds.....
>>
>>
>> 1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
>> He acquired his size from too much pi.
>>
>> 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
>> out to be an optical Aleutian .
>>
>> 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
>>
>> 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it
>> was a weapon of math disruption.
>>
>> 5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
>>
>> 6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for
>> littering.
>>
>> 7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
>> Blownapart.
>>
>> 8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
>>
>> 9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are
>> looking into it.
>>
>> 10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
>>
>> 11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
>>
>> 12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said
>> to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
>>
>> 13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
>>
>> 14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the
>> Grass.'
>>
>> 15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
>> medium at large.
>>
>> 16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
>> seasoned veteran.
>>
>> 17. A backward poet writes inverse.
>>
>> 18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
>> count that votes.
>>
>> 19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
>>
>> 20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .
>>
>> 21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
>> stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
>> allowed per passenger.'
>>
>> 22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and
>> says 'Dam!'
>>
>> 23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
>> the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
>> have your kayak and heat it too.
>>
>> 24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The
>> other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
>>
>> 25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
>> canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
>>
>> 26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope
>> that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
->>
->
-
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Old 01-07-2013, 11:14 AM
  #109  
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^^ Nr nine is NOT a pun.
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Old 01-11-2013, 08:24 AM
  #110  
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A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, pi$$ed off, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says, "I guess we answered that question!"
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Old 01-11-2013, 10:19 AM
  #111  
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Switch,

this one went to my FB page.

Thanksl

Jon
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Old 01-11-2013, 11:10 AM
  #112  
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Originally Posted by joncallihan View Post
^^ Nr nine is NOT a pun.
How is it not a pun?
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Old 01-11-2013, 11:39 AM
  #113  
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My apology, I initially read it wrong.

Jon
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Old 01-11-2013, 12:28 PM
  #114  
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FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN


The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.


First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?


Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?


Third:
What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.

'How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about
that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter.
'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,
though that was not quite what I had in mind.....but I will have to give
you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,
and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'
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Old 01-25-2013, 01:17 PM
  #115  
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A man walks into his doctor’s office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, “I can’t talk! Help me!”
The doctor nodded sagely, and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.
The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man’s thumb with it as hard as he could.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!” the man yelled.
“Good, good,” the doctor said. “Come back tomorrow and we’ll work on the `B’.”
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Old 01-25-2013, 02:51 PM
  #116  
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FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

the jews and the catholics are going to have a hard time with this one.


************************************ ******************************************

president obama is speaking with president clinton, and, due to mrs. clinton's recent injury, asks him this,

"how's hillary's head?"

president bill replies,

"well, she's no monica."

Last edited by bbcricketta; 01-25-2013 at 04:10 PM. Reason: looking to get ahead...
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Old 01-28-2013, 05:36 AM
  #117  
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Originally Posted by bbcricketta View Post
FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

the jews and the catholics are going to have a hard time with this one.


************************************ ******************************************

president obama is speaking with president clinton, and, due to mrs. clinton's recent injury, asks him this,

"how's hillary's head?"

president bill replies,

"well, she's no monica."
LOL!!
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Old 02-01-2013, 05:29 AM
  #118  
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A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do . Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your F*#king mouth shut that does the trick.......

Last edited by Switchblade; 02-01-2013 at 05:47 AM. Reason: Language
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Old 02-01-2013, 05:54 AM
  #119  
THE STIG
 
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: NAZARETH, PA
Posts: 8,324
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale "
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.


The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running ... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a Bull$hitter. He's never been out of the yard'
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Old 02-01-2013, 09:56 AM
  #120  
8 Hours NE of the Dragon
 
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Here obviously.
Posts: 5,273
Baby's First Doctor Visit
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
“Breast-fed”, she replied..
“Well, strip down to your waist”, the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.”
“I know”, she said, “I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came”.
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