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Friday joke.....

Old 02-04-2019, 04:58 AM
  #761  
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Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Tim?”“My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your mean cat!”
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Old 02-10-2019, 09:58 AM
  #762  
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Old 02-17-2019, 05:53 PM
  #763  
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Old 02-19-2019, 11:24 AM
  #764  
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Statistics just released from Statistics Canada and The United Nations B.O.H. Team, revealing that:

North American, Australian, New Zealanders and British men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, (and a small number a lot more), whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will ave sex only once or twice per year
if they are lucky.

This has come as very upsetting news to both me and most of my buddies at the curling and golf club, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.
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Old 02-19-2019, 08:20 PM
  #765  
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An old Pilot sat down in Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeroncas, T-28s, A330s, flew in the Pacific with the Navy and later in the Desert Storm, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, have been flying airlines international for a quarter of a century, so I guess I am a pilot – what about you?’

She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’
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Old 02-26-2019, 08:23 AM
  #766  
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Old 02-28-2019, 07:16 AM
  #767  
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Old 02-28-2019, 07:19 AM
  #768  
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Old 02-28-2019, 07:21 AM
  #769  
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Old 02-28-2019, 07:23 AM
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Old 03-01-2019, 05:19 AM
  #771  
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Nice ones Cosmo!!
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Old 03-01-2019, 10:58 AM
  #772  
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Q. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but the light bulb must be willing to change.
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Old 03-11-2019, 07:50 AM
  #773  
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Old 03-11-2019, 07:56 AM
  #774  
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Old 03-11-2019, 07:59 AM
  #775  
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Old 03-12-2019, 05:27 AM
  #776  
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The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles
have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? "


Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me."

God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, ''professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!


1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension.


2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.



3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much.


4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!



"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God. "Hold on."God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, far more men are riding my invention than yours."
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Old 03-12-2019, 01:55 PM
  #777  
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Old 03-14-2019, 09:47 AM
  #778  
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Old 03-15-2019, 07:49 AM
  #779  
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Old 03-18-2019, 05:10 AM
  #780  
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Two friends go hunting in the forest. Suddenly, one of them collapses to the floor. His friend dials for an ambulance.

‘I think my buddy’s dead!’ he cries.

‘Stay calm,’ says the operator. ‘First, you need to make sure he’s actually dead.’

The line goes quiet, and the operator hears a gunshot.

‘Done,’ says the man. ‘What do I do now?’
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Old 03-28-2019, 05:57 PM
  #781  
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Old Today, 08:23 AM
  #782  
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Old Today, 09:02 AM
  #783  
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A thief entered a house mid-afternoon.





He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand

over the jewelry and money.



The man started sobbing and said, "You can take anything you want.


You can kill me also.

But please untie the rope and free her."

Thief: "You must really love your wife!"






Man: "No, but she will be home shortly!"
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Old Today, 09:02 AM
  #784  
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Old Today, 09:04 AM
  #785  
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Old Today, 09:05 AM
  #786  
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Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling
through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and
are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a
diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and
hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the
abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about,
but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What
shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy
Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula
screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and
continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the
window and shouts, "Get the f**k off our car!"
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Old Today, 09:06 AM
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