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Friday joke.....

Old 09-21-2012, 12:03 PM
  #41  
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" Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood." One of them (I think Bing) asks you if you know how to get out of your neighborhood.

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Old 09-21-2012, 12:14 PM
  #42  
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Switch, that's one of the best reads I've had in a long time! Damn! SO true!
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Old 09-21-2012, 01:23 PM
  #43  
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Originally Posted by joncallihan View Post
" Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood."
You know what's funny, I would have been all over this last week....but during the weekend I printed out two Mapquest locations and Mapquest now has just this option! There's a box to check that ignores the beginning of the route. They must read this stuff too. Hahaha

Funny list though!
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Old 09-21-2012, 07:24 PM
  #44  
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OK, I just spit Pepsi out my nose... Avoid Ghetto... lol
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Old 09-23-2012, 08:01 PM
  #45  
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Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so, I sat down and had a couple nice cold "Guinness". The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.


Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?


Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another Guinness, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
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Old 09-27-2012, 11:29 PM
  #46  
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After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, the state’s Dept of Minerals and Energy in Western Australia, reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Western Australia’s Pilbara region, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f**k all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be Australian.
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Old 09-28-2012, 07:04 AM
  #47  
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Keeping up with Glenn's Australian theme:

A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland.

Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man
(Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles.. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy"
...
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Old 09-28-2012, 10:27 AM
  #48  
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Meat glue, also called transglutaminase (nothing to do with so-called pink slime), binds together bits of meat into what looks like a prime cut. But: When not handled properly, meat glue can seal in E. coli and other bacteria present on raw meat. Self-defense: Check package labels—glued meats must include the words “formed” or “reformed.” Glued meats are commonly used in high-volume restaurants and banquet facilities. To be safe, eat meat cooked well-done.
Source: Suzanne Havala Hobbs, DrPH, RD, is a clinical associate professor in the departments of health policy and management and nutrition in the Gillings School of Global Public Health, University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.
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Old 09-28-2012, 11:39 AM
  #49  
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Parrot Joke

A man inherits a parrot from his uncle. The parrot was his uncle’s favorite possession. So the man tries his best to befriend the bird, but the parrot bites, scratches, screams obscenities and is generally very hostile to the new owner. After a week of frustration, the new owner has had enough and sneaks up on the parrot, grabs it and carries it to the kitchen where he opens the freezer door and throws the parrot inside and slams the freezer door shut. As the man walks out of the kitchen, he has remorse and decides to give the parrot one more chance; after all it was his uncle’s favorite pet. So he opens the freezer door and as he reaches in for the parrot, the bird lights on his arm like they were old friends. The man is taken aback and puzzled by the bird’s sudden change in attitude. Just as the man was getting ready to ask the bird “Why the change in attitude?”, the parrot looks up and points his head to open freezer and asks “Just what exactly did the chopped chicken do”?

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Old 10-03-2012, 03:37 PM
  #50  
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"Today class, we're going to understand the word 'definitely,'" Mrs. Smith said. "Can anyone use it in a sentence?"

Tommy raised his hand. "The sky is definitely blue," he said.

"Well Tommy, sometimes it's cloudy," Mrs. Smith replied.

Jane raised her hand. "The grass is definitely green."

"That's a good try," Mrs. Smith said. "But in the winter the grass turns brown."

Johnny, in the back of the class, has been frantically waving his arms the entire time. Being the class clown, Mrs. Smith was hesitant to call on him. With some trepidation, she pointed to him and said, "Yes, Johnny?"

"Does gas have lumps in it?" Johnny asked.

Annoyed, Mrs. Smith whipped her finger down and said crossly, "Of course not, Johnny."

"Then I've definitely $hit my pants."
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Old 10-03-2012, 06:11 PM
  #51  
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Man decides he needs a pet because he's lonely, goes to a pet store and comes home with parrot.

A few days later, he's back in the pet store with both hands bandaged. He tells the manager " I've got to return this bird, every time I put my hand near him he pecks the crap out of it"

The manager gives him a file "file the tip of his beak, in a few days you'll be cool"

A few days later, the manager runs into the man and asks how the bird is doing.

"not good, he was dead when I took him out of the vice"
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Old 10-03-2012, 07:41 PM
  #52  
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Originally Posted by gerry100 View Post
Man decides he needs a pet because he's lonely, goes to a pet store and comes home with parrot.

A few days later, he's back in the pet store with both hands bandaged. He tells the manager " I've got to return this bird, every time I put my hand near him he pecks the crap out of it"

The manager gives him a file "file the tip of his beak, in a few days you'll be cool"

A few days later, the manager runs into the man and asks how the bird is doing.

"not good, he was dead when I took him out of the vice"
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Old 10-04-2012, 04:51 AM
  #53  
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I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said to her, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now. "
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Old 10-04-2012, 10:08 AM
  #54  
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Only in NZ.&........(US readers please insert State of Choice)


A woman walks into the WINZ (Social Security) office,trailed by 15 kids . . .......


'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?'


'Yeah, they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs,having heard that question a thousand times before.She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must behere to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'
'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'
'OK, and who's next?'
'Well, this one, he is Terry, also.'The social worker raises an eyebrow butcontinues. One by one, through the oldestfour, all boys, all named Terry.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl,named Terri.
'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeinga pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?'
Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes - it makes iteasier. When it is time to get them out of bed




and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' whenit's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they




all come runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kidwho's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry'




and all of them stop. It's the smartest ideaI ever had, namin' them all Terry.'




The social worker thinks this over for a bit, thenwrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But



what if you just want ONE kid to come, and notthe whole bunch

'I call them by their surnames!'
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Old 10-05-2012, 08:47 AM
  #55  
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A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the
nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me $hit."
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Old 10-05-2012, 03:00 PM
  #56  
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A mid-aged gentleman is sitting on a park bench waiting for the bus when this young punk kid sits down at the end of the same bench. The young boy has his hair all flamed out in red, green, blue and yellow. Immediately after sitting down, the young punk starts jerky motions to the sounds of the music in his earplugs. After a few minutes the young boy realizes that he is being watched and he snaps his head around and says to the older gentleman: "Hey, what's up with you old man? Haven't you ever done anything RAD when you were a kid"? The man replies: "Why yes. I had sex with a parrot once and .... I can't help wondering.... could YOU be my boy?".

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Old 10-05-2012, 03:23 PM
  #57  
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...while we are on bird jokes....

a duck walks into a drug store and wants to buy a box of condoms. The clerk asks the duck "shall I put them on your bill?"
duck replies indignantly "I'm not that type of duck"

...while on condom jokes...

Man walks into a drug store and asks to buy one condom. Clerk tells the man, sorry we only sell them in packets of 6 or 12.
Man insists on one condom only.
Clerk finally tells man, OK, I can break open a packet of 6 and give you one but you have to pay for all 6.
Man agrees.
Man pays for all 6, takes one and while he is leaving clerk asks him why he just wanted one.
Man answers.....well, I'm trying to quit.
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Old 10-05-2012, 05:14 PM
  #58  
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A young couple was told by their pastor that to be married in his church they would have to abstain from all sexual impulses until after the wedding. The couple dedicated all their effort to the cause and met with the pastor a few months later. "We'll, how is the abstinence?", he asked. "We tried, Pastor. But I'm afraid the other day she bent over to pick up a plunger and I couldn't restrain myself. We made incredible passionate love on the spot." "We'll, I can't say that I'm surprised," he said, "but I'm afraid my rules were inviolate. As a result, I must inform you that your wedding isn't allowed in my chapel." "We understand, sir. We aren't allowed at Home Depot anymore, either."
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Old 10-08-2012, 09:43 AM
  #59  
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one from the Maxi scoots forum

In a trial, in a small SC town, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God.

She says "I do."

She was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the grandmother type, well-spoken and poised. The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite well."

The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few moments. Then, he slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?

"She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, big-mouthed and has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps thundered throughout the court room and the audience was on the verge of chaos.

At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you crooked bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be thrown in jail for contempt. Is that clear?"
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Old 10-10-2012, 07:06 PM
  #60  
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I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started........



After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...




My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......




My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...




My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...




I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....





My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.
I then said,'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...
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Old 10-11-2012, 12:07 PM
  #61  
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^Nice!!
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Old 10-12-2012, 07:01 AM
  #62  
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I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning
to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.

I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

-----------------------------------------------------------
The wife suggested I get myself one of those ***** enlargers, so I did....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
"pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and
I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

-----------------------------------------------------------
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and
low cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a
spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

-----------------------------------------------------------
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class
give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd
better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend...

Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.

Or in other words........... B.I.G.T.I.T.S.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for
half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does
everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."
-----------------------------------------------------------
On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?"
Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakis, Somalians, single
mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads, and non-English speaking people"
isn't the right answer. They've sent my form back!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at
his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.

-----------------------------------------------------------
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with
me because she can't afford batteries!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Some ba$tard's just pinched a pair of my wife's panties off the
washing line. She's not bothered about the panties but she wants the 12
clothes pins back.
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Old 10-12-2012, 12:04 PM
  #63  
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When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers. Read story…

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf *****. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf *****. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'
The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf ***** are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.. The sand is everything else---the small stuff.
'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf *****. The same goes for life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn.
Take care of the golf ***** first --- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.' The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.
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Old 10-12-2012, 06:13 PM
  #64  
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies, "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
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Old 10-13-2012, 08:22 AM
  #65  
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Originally Posted by Doug3 View Post
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies, "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
Typical hunter mentality.
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Old 10-20-2012, 01:25 PM
  #66  
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Engineers

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when
one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own
business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the
ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The
first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes
probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
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Old 10-22-2012, 06:51 AM
  #67  
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To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1..
In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
2.
Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
3.
Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
4.
Sing Along At The Opera.
5.
Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend
Their Party Because You
have a headache.

6.
When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot,
Yelling
'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

7.
Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy,
We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'


And The Final Way
To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

8.
PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY,
GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM
IS.



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Old 10-26-2012, 08:27 AM
  #68  
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ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 –

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)what he had to say for himself.

The man replied,“Well, Your Honor, it was like this:when the lady got on the bus,I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said,'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
... I just lost it.”


'CASE DISMISSED!!'
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Old 11-02-2012, 09:09 AM
  #69  
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Women Are Evil By Nature .....
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "
Are you the manager?" she asked, softly
stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said,
running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued,
running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and
slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and
allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap or paper towels in the ladies room."
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Old 11-02-2012, 11:45 AM
  #70  
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Safe sex- not always true.

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the woman's husband. Pass this safety information on.
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Old 11-16-2012, 12:17 PM
  #71  
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Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....

If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humor.


The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 am., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started upand cuckooed 3 times.


Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.


I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.


(Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him.'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pi$$ed off in the least

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooedthree times, then said 'oh $hit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared itsthroat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

Last edited by Switchblade; 11-16-2012 at 12:19 PM.
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Old 11-30-2012, 07:25 AM
  #72  
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There was this car that was driving very slowly down the highway. A State Trooper pulls it over. "What have I done wrong, officer?" the driver asks.
"You are going 26mph on a major highway. There is a law against that," the officer says to the driver. "You must go at least 50mph."
"But when I turned on the highway, the sign said 26!" the driver replies.
"HA HA HA!" The officer laughs out loud. "That is because this is Interstate 26! The 26 isn't the speed limit!"
The driver leans back in her car seat and the cop sees another woman sitting beside her. She looked as pale as a ghost.
"What happened to her?" the officer asks.
"I don't know, but she has been that way ever since we got off of interstate 160."
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Old 12-07-2012, 09:20 AM
  #73  
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Oil Changing Instructions
Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check for $40 and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.


Men:
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts. Write a $50 check for oil, filter, oil lift (aka kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Dump old oil from last oil change in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it. Jack car up. Look for jack stands.
4. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
5. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
6. Place drain pan under engine.
7. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. Give up and use crescent wrench.
8. Round off drain plug hex with crescent wrench.
9. Unscrew drain plug with vise grips.
10. Drop drain plug in pan, splashing hot oil on you.
11. Clean up using hand cleaner. Have another beer while oil is draining.
12. Look for oil filter wrench.
13. Give up. Poke oil filter with phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
14. Drop oil filter in full oil pan. Clean up a big splash.
15. Beer. Buddy shows up. Finish case with him.
16. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
17. Throw oil lift (aka kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 16.
18. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
19. Walk to 7-11, Buy beer.
20. Apply thin coat of clean oil to filter gasket. Install oil filter.
21. Remove oil filler cap. Drop it down there somewhere.
22. Dump quart of fresh oil into engine. Remember drain plug (step 10).
23. Feel around in full drain pan to find drain plug.
24. Clean dirty black oil from hands (step 23).
25. Install drain plug. Stay out of fresh oil on the floor.
26. Slip with crescent wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
27. Bang head on same frame in reaction. Begin cussing fit. Throw wrench.
28. Hit Miss December 1992 with wrench. Cuss additional 10 minutes.
29. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
30. Beer. Dump in remaining 4 quarts of oil.
31. Look for lost filler cap (step 21). Give up. Stuff old rag in hole.
32. Lower car from jack stands. Accidentally crush one jack stand.
33. Move car back. Throw oil lift (aka kitty litter) to spill (step 22).
34. Drive car to O'Reilly's. Buy new filler cap and one quart of oil.
35. Open hood in front of O'Reilly's. Remove rag (step 31).
36. Pour in oil. Install new filler cap. Check oil level on dipstick.
37. Go back in O'Reilly's. Buy another quart of oil and a filter wrench.
38. Crawl under car. Tighten oil filter. Burn arm on hot exhaust pipe.
39. Remove new oil filler cap and dump in another quart of oil.
40. Ignore the oil trail made going to O'Reilly's while driving back home.
41. Stop in front of the 7-11 when the old oil filler cap goes bouncing down the pavement. Stock up on beer while there since it's almost time for a spark plug change.
-Larry McCartt
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Old 12-07-2012, 11:53 AM
  #74  
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^^just gave one of my buddies at work a 5 qt jug of Castrol 10w30 and Honda oil filter and $15 bucks for the beer. He changed the oil and burnt his hands on the hot oil. (Drove the car for 30 mins to make sure the oil was nicely warmed up before changing it). While he was at it, had him check the cabin filter. Man, it was dirty! Had him change that too.

I guess I fall under the "women" category.
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Old 12-07-2012, 01:07 PM
  #75  
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Add a step for me, at 22. Instead of 1 qt its usually 5. Step 23. bike ride to AutoZone for more oil
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Old 12-07-2012, 08:41 PM
  #76  
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Old 12-08-2012, 09:16 AM
  #77  
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I saw a lady with a t-shirt that said GUESS across the front................ So I guessed implants
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Old 12-08-2012, 09:27 AM
  #78  
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D'above story relayded from kreap'z hospidal bed.
(Level wit'me . . yuh din' say'datt out loud, di'juh?)
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Old 12-08-2012, 09:33 AM
  #79  
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Originally Posted by Java Junky View Post
D'above story relayded from kreap'z hospidal bed.
(Level wit'me . . yuh din' say'datt out loud, di'juh?)
LoL I almost did
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Old 12-08-2012, 10:28 AM
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'Know'z well'z I do'datt "almos" only countz in horseshoes, bacci'n handgrenadez.
(I couldn't'a said'itt out loud eida.)
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