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Old 05-16-2018, 08:12 AM   #721  
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A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen ****** than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
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Old 05-18-2018, 10:19 AM   #722  
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Excellent !
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Old 05-19-2018, 11:53 PM   #723  
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Back to car stuff.
Why does a chicken coop have two doors ?
Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan !
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Old 06-01-2018, 11:41 AM   #724  
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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."

"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :

"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."
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Old 06-01-2018, 11:42 AM   #725  
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After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous, "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man, "Observe!"

He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.

Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
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Old 06-01-2018, 11:44 AM   #726  
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The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there
were three finalists, two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door
and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife
and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room.

All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his
eyes . "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go
home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another, then screaming, crashing, and banging
on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood
the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.

"I discovered the gun was loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to kill him with the
chair."
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Old 06-01-2018, 11:46 AM   #727  
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A man wakes up in the hospital in traction and bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, excellent, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a very bad accident on the freeway. You were very lucky to have survived. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but your ***** was severed in the accident and they couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to fabricate you a new *****. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up."So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. I understand that you €™ve been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.


The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.


"What €™s your decision?" asks the doctor.


"We're getting granite counter tops and new drapes."
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Old 07-07-2018, 02:26 PM   #728  
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Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to New York State, the other to Florida. They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach and play golf.
At age 30, they finish their round of golf and go to lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Well, you know, they got the broads with the big racks and the tight shorts and the legs!"

"OK."

Ten years later at age 40 they play.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?

"Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games."

"OK."

Ten years later at age 50 they play a round of golf.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking!"

"OK."

At age 60 they play a round of golf.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Wings are half price!"

"Ok"

At age 70 they play a round of golf.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?

"They have 6 handicapped parking spaces right by the door."

"OK."

At age 80 they play a round of golf.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"We've never been there before."
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Old 07-07-2018, 02:32 PM   #729  
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After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous, "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man, "Observe!"

He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.

Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
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Old 07-31-2018, 01:10 PM   #730  
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Wife agrees.

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Old 08-01-2018, 05:50 AM   #731  
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LOL!
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Old 09-06-2018, 11:55 AM   #732  
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Ray and Bob, two government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a
flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole", said Bob, "But we
don't have a ladder."
The woman said, "Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox."

She loosened a few bolts, and then laid the pole down.

She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement
and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed. "Well, ain't that just like a
'Miss-know-it-all' woman?" he said.
"We need the height and she gives us the length!"

Ray and Bob are still working for the government.
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Old 09-06-2018, 11:56 AM   #733  
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Nineteen Newfoundlanders go to the cinema. The ticket lady asks “Why so many of you?” Buddy says, “The film said 18 or over.”

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday. So I went to our local pet shop and they were $70. I thought, forget it, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday. A little old lady asked if I could check her balance; so I pushed her over.

Statistically, six out of seven dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 am. Can you believe that, 2:30 am? Lucky for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

The wife was counting all the nickels and dimes out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself; “She’s going through the change.”

An East Indian fellow has moved in next door. He has traveled the world, has swum with sharks, has wrestled bears, and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
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Old 09-08-2018, 01:49 PM   #734  
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I knew I was gonna like it here
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Old 09-08-2018, 01:55 PM   #735  
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An Asian man went to the bank to exchange some yen to dollars. Once done, he thanked the teller and was on his way.

A few days later, he returned to exchange some more currency, but the rate was less favorable this time, so he asked the bank teller why he did not get as many yen for the same amount of dollars as last time.
"Fluctuations" responded the teller.
"Fluck you Americans!" replied the customer.
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Old 09-08-2018, 04:04 PM   #736  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CarbideRotor View Post
An Asian man went to the bank to exchange some yen to dollars. Once done, he thanked the teller and was on his way.

A few days later, he returned to exchange some more currency, but the rate was less favorable this time, so he asked the bank teller why he did not get as many yen for the same amount of dollars as last time.
"Fluctuations" responded the teller.
"Fluck you Americans!" replied the customer.
I think I know that Asian guy.
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Old 09-10-2018, 05:32 AM   #737  
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LOL!
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Old 10-03-2018, 05:29 AM   #738  
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Old 10-03-2018, 05:29 PM   #739  
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HA! I'm gonna keep that one Switch, lol
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Old 10-05-2018, 03:57 PM   #740  
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I'm not superstitious, I'm a little stitious.
Old people at weddings always poke me and say "you're next". So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
When I was in high school I got mono twice. Yeah, I got it in stereo.
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Old 10-11-2018, 07:40 AM   #741  
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A New York Attorney representing a wealthy art collector phoned and asked to speak to his client, "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day, let me hear the good news first."

The Attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures which she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The Attorney replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."
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