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Old 05-16-2018, 08:12 AM   #721  
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A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen ****** than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
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Old 05-18-2018, 10:19 AM   #722  
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Excellent !
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Old 05-19-2018, 11:53 PM   #723  
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Back to car stuff.
Why does a chicken coop have two doors ?
Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan !
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Old 06-01-2018, 11:41 AM   #724  
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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."

"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :

"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."
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Old 06-01-2018, 11:42 AM   #725  
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After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous, "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man, "Observe!"

He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.

Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
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Old 06-01-2018, 11:44 AM   #726  
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The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there
were three finalists, two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door
and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife
and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room.

All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his
eyes . "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go
home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another, then screaming, crashing, and banging
on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood
the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.

"I discovered the gun was loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to kill him with the
chair."
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Old 06-01-2018, 11:46 AM   #727  
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A man wakes up in the hospital in traction and bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, excellent, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a very bad accident on the freeway. You were very lucky to have survived. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but your ***** was severed in the accident and they couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to fabricate you a new *****. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up."So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. I understand that you €™ve been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.


The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.


"What €™s your decision?" asks the doctor.


"We're getting granite counter tops and new drapes."
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Old 07-07-2018, 02:26 PM   #728  
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Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to New York State, the other to Florida. They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach and play golf.
At age 30, they finish their round of golf and go to lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Well, you know, they got the broads with the big racks and the tight shorts and the legs!"

"OK."

Ten years later at age 40 they play.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?

"Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games."

"OK."

Ten years later at age 50 they play a round of golf.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking!"

"OK."

At age 60 they play a round of golf.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Wings are half price!"

"Ok"

At age 70 they play a round of golf.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?

"They have 6 handicapped parking spaces right by the door."

"OK."

At age 80 they play a round of golf.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"We've never been there before."
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Old 07-07-2018, 02:32 PM   #729  
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After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous, "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man, "Observe!"

He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.

Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
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Old 07-31-2018, 01:10 PM   #730  
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Wife agrees.

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Old 08-01-2018, 05:50 AM   #731  
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LOL!
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