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Old 07-23-2017, 01:03 PM   #681
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A young girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch. How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
A few hours later the girl came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.
"Yes," the girl replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.
"Thank you," the girl said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus......
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Old 07-23-2017, 02:45 PM   #682
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Here's to the man that invented the zero! Thanks for nothing!
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Old 07-23-2017, 02:54 PM   #683
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I'm thinking of moving to Switzerland. The flag is a big plus!
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Old 07-23-2017, 02:55 PM   #684
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I'm reading a book about antigravity. I just can't put it down!
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Old 07-24-2017, 01:21 PM   #685
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If you are not part of the solution, you are the precipitate.
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Old 07-25-2017, 07:27 AM   #686
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Found out I was color blind the other day. That one came right out of the orange.
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Old 07-25-2017, 03:33 PM   #687
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Knock knock!

Who's there?

Smelmap!

Smelmap who?

No thank you!
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Old 07-28-2017, 10:34 AM   #688
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1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?

(written by children 10 & under)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO
GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

3. HOW
CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
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Old 07-30-2017, 03:30 PM   #689
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A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"

The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately.
I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."
The man replies, "Listen you idiot.The window won't open…. that's a maintenance matter."
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Old 08-04-2017, 11:43 AM   #690
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An 85-year-old man had to do a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow.”



The next day, the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained…



“Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.



“She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.



We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”



The doctor was shocked. “You asked your neighbor? Good heavens!”



The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”
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Old 08-04-2017, 11:50 AM   #691
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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"
The Princess immediately said, "No!"And the Prince lived happily ever after. He rode motorcycles, became a Naval Aviator, and dated thin,long-legged,full-breasted women, hunted, fished and raced cars. He went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age, drank whiskey, beer, and single malt scotch, never heard bitching, never paid child support, alimony, dated cheerleaders, kept his house and guns. He ate spam, potato chips, animal meat he bagged, fish he caught, and lobster he dove for. He blew enormous farts, and never got cheated on while he was at work, and all his friends and family thoughthe was friggin' cool as hell, andhe had tons of money in the bank, and always left the toilet seat up.
The End
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Old 08-13-2017, 07:13 AM   #692
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Why did the banana go to the doctor?

He wasn't peeling well.
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Old 09-10-2017, 05:15 PM   #693
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Avocados đ

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one
carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife
asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will
get it the first time.

My work is done here.



------------------------------

WATER IN THE CARBURETOR

WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out.

Where's the car?

WIFE: "In the pool".

------------------------------

STATISTIC

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC , PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN
RECENT YEARS.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.

------------------------------

THE PHONE

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for
their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone.
He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.

Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment,
it was her husband on the other end.

"Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a
bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wall-Mart?"

------------------------------

HE MUST PAY

Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought
with me again, I am coming to live with you."

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live
with you.


------------------------------

TODAY'S SHORT READING FROM THE BIBLE

From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be
found in all corners of the earth."

Then he made the earth round and He laughed and laughed and laughed.
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Old 09-17-2017, 10:45 AM   #694
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Old 09-28-2017, 11:57 AM   #695
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50 Shades of grey

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Kevin's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"**** ,Kevin how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go ?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!
She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes !
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So . . . . here I am...!!!!!!!!
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Old 11-02-2017, 11:19 AM   #696
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A string tried to order a drink in a bar. The bar tender wouldn’t serve a string.
So the string went back to his table, tied himself in a knot, messed up his hair and went to order another drink.
“Hey, aren’t you a string?” the bartender asks. “Nope, I’m a frayed knot,” replied the string.
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Old 12-07-2017, 06:10 PM   #697
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Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:


1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.
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Old 12-12-2017, 11:03 AM   #698
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[Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker

at the coffee machine.


He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her "hair smells nice."
After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.


She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to

file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.

The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's so threatening about a

co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"



"It's Frank. t he midget...[/QUOTE]







--




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Old 12-13-2017, 12:54 PM   #699
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A Catholic nun is visiting an old friend at a nursing home. The old friend wants the nun to bring her a new bed pan. While driving over the nun runs out of gas, but lucky for her she is near a gas station. She walks the short distance and not having a gas can, fills the bed pan with gas. She walks back to the car, opens the gas tank lid and starts pouring in the gas from the bed pan. Two grizzled old timers who happen to pass by at that time see the nun filling the tank from the bed pan.

One old timer turns to the other one and says, "see that Marty? I turning Catholic right now"
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Old 12-13-2017, 12:55 PM   #700
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Q. What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?

A. A receeding hare line.
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Old 12-16-2017, 02:06 PM   #701
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Old 12-17-2017, 04:00 PM   #702
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You want me to smell THAT????
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Old 12-21-2017, 08:26 PM   #703
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Quote:
NEW JOB IN CHICAGO
Bob was on a plane flying to Chicago and the guy in the seat beside him was an emotional wreck…pale, hands shaking in fear.

"What's the matter, afraid of flying?" Bob asked.

"No, it's not that. I've been transferred to Chicago. Lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor schools, and the highest crime rate in the USA."

Bob replied, "I've lived in Chicago all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. I've worked there for 14 years and never had the slightest trouble."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you say it’s OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?

"I'm a tail-gunner on a Budweiser truck.

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Old 12-29-2017, 04:08 PM   #704
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A Christmas Carol for Aviators


Quote:

Three pilots died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.


'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'


The Air Force pilot fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 'It did make light; you may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.


The Army pilot reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said, 'they had a ring to them, you may pass through the pearly gates'.


The Naval Aviator started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties… St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' ....the Naval Aviator replied, 'These are Carols.'
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Old 01-04-2018, 01:20 PM   #705
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Quote:
A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library..

He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH
YOU!"


All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply
embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and
said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I
bet you felt embarrassed, right?"


"The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ...... I`M NOT
PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"


All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".
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Old 01-04-2018, 03:47 PM   #706
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^^^^^
I kinda like that one.
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Old 01-08-2018, 10:51 PM   #707
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Old 01-08-2018, 10:53 PM   #708
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Old 01-08-2018, 10:56 PM   #709
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Old 01-09-2018, 04:04 PM   #710
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A Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.

Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.

Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle,
each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers,
and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.

The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the
crocodile really, really hard on the top of its head

The croc opened his mouth
and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer...

'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly
Spoke up........... 'I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!'
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