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Old 07-23-2017, 12:03 PM   #681
2009 Rio Yellow/A7E/A330
 
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A young girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch. How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
A few hours later the girl came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.
"Yes," the girl replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.
"Thank you," the girl said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus......
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Old 07-23-2017, 01:45 PM   #682
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Here's to the man that invented the zero! Thanks for nothing!
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Old 07-23-2017, 01:54 PM   #683
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I'm thinking of moving to Switzerland. The flag is a big plus!
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Old 07-23-2017, 01:55 PM   #684
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I'm reading a book about antigravity. I just can't put it down!
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Old 07-24-2017, 12:21 PM   #685
2009 Rio Yellow/A7E/A330
 
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If you are not part of the solution, you are the precipitate.
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Old 07-25-2017, 06:27 AM   #686
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Found out I was color blind the other day. That one came right out of the orange.
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Old 07-25-2017, 02:33 PM   #687
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Knock knock!

Who's there?

Smelmap!

Smelmap who?

No thank you!
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Old 07-28-2017, 09:34 AM   #688
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1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?

(written by children 10 & under)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO
GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

3. HOW
CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
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Old 07-30-2017, 02:30 PM   #689
2009 Rio Yellow/A7E/A330
 
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A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"

The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately.
I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."
The man replies, "Listen you idiot.The window won't open…. that's a maintenance matter."
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Old 08-04-2017, 10:43 AM   #690
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An 85-year-old man had to do a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow.”



The next day, the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained…



“Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.



“She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.



We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”



The doctor was shocked. “You asked your neighbor? Good heavens!”



The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”
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Old 08-04-2017, 10:50 AM   #691
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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"
The Princess immediately said, "No!"And the Prince lived happily ever after. He rode motorcycles, became a Naval Aviator, and dated thin,long-legged,full-breasted women, hunted, fished and raced cars. He went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age, drank whiskey, beer, and single malt scotch, never heard bitching, never paid child support, alimony, dated cheerleaders, kept his house and guns. He ate spam, potato chips, animal meat he bagged, fish he caught, and lobster he dove for. He blew enormous farts, and never got cheated on while he was at work, and all his friends and family thoughthe was friggin' cool as hell, andhe had tons of money in the bank, and always left the toilet seat up.
The End
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Old 08-13-2017, 06:13 AM   #692
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Why did the banana go to the doctor?

He wasn't peeling well.
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