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Old 07-23-2017, 12:03 PM   #681  
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A young girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch. How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
A few hours later the girl came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.
"Yes," the girl replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.
"Thank you," the girl said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus......
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Old 07-23-2017, 01:45 PM   #682  
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Here's to the man that invented the zero! Thanks for nothing!
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Old 07-23-2017, 01:54 PM   #683  
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I'm thinking of moving to Switzerland. The flag is a big plus!
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Old 07-23-2017, 01:55 PM   #684  
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I'm reading a book about antigravity. I just can't put it down!
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Old 07-24-2017, 12:21 PM   #685  
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If you are not part of the solution, you are the precipitate.
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Old 07-25-2017, 06:27 AM   #686  
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Found out I was color blind the other day. That one came right out of the orange.
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Old 07-25-2017, 02:33 PM   #687  
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Knock knock!

Who's there?

Smelmap!

Smelmap who?

No thank you!
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Old 07-28-2017, 09:34 AM   #688  
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1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?

(written by children 10 & under)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO
GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

3. HOW
CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
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Old 07-30-2017, 02:30 PM   #689  
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A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"

The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately.
I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."
The man replies, "Listen you idiot.The window won't open…. that's a maintenance matter."
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Old 08-04-2017, 10:43 AM   #690  
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An 85-year-old man had to do a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow.”



The next day, the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained…



“Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.



“She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.



We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”



The doctor was shocked. “You asked your neighbor? Good heavens!”



The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”
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Old 08-04-2017, 10:50 AM   #691  
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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"
The Princess immediately said, "No!"And the Prince lived happily ever after. He rode motorcycles, became a Naval Aviator, and dated thin,long-legged,full-breasted women, hunted, fished and raced cars. He went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age, drank whiskey, beer, and single malt scotch, never heard bitching, never paid child support, alimony, dated cheerleaders, kept his house and guns. He ate spam, potato chips, animal meat he bagged, fish he caught, and lobster he dove for. He blew enormous farts, and never got cheated on while he was at work, and all his friends and family thoughthe was friggin' cool as hell, andhe had tons of money in the bank, and always left the toilet seat up.
The End
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Old 08-13-2017, 06:13 AM   #692  
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Why did the banana go to the doctor?

He wasn't peeling well.
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Old 09-10-2017, 04:15 PM   #693  
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Avocados đ

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one
carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife
asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will
get it the first time.

My work is done here.



------------------------------

WATER IN THE CARBURETOR

WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out.

Where's the car?

WIFE: "In the pool".

------------------------------

STATISTIC

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC , PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN
RECENT YEARS.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.

------------------------------

THE PHONE

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for
their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone.
He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.

Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment,
it was her husband on the other end.

"Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a
bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wall-Mart?"

------------------------------

HE MUST PAY

Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought
with me again, I am coming to live with you."

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live
with you.


------------------------------

TODAY'S SHORT READING FROM THE BIBLE

From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be
found in all corners of the earth."

Then he made the earth round and He laughed and laughed and laughed.
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Old 09-17-2017, 09:45 AM   #694  
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Old 09-28-2017, 10:57 AM   #695  
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50 Shades of grey

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Kevin's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"**** ,Kevin how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go ?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!
She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes !
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So . . . . here I am...!!!!!!!!
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Old 11-02-2017, 10:19 AM   #696  
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A string tried to order a drink in a bar. The bar tender wouldn’t serve a string.
So the string went back to his table, tied himself in a knot, messed up his hair and went to order another drink.
“Hey, aren’t you a string?” the bartender asks. “Nope, I’m a frayed knot,” replied the string.
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Old 12-07-2017, 05:10 PM   #697  
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Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:


1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.
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Old 12-12-2017, 10:03 AM   #698  
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[Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker

at the coffee machine.


He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her "hair smells nice."
After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.


She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to

file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.

The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's so threatening about a

co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"



"It's Frank. t he midget...[/QUOTE]







--




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Old 12-13-2017, 11:54 AM   #699  
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A Catholic nun is visiting an old friend at a nursing home. The old friend wants the nun to bring her a new bed pan. While driving over the nun runs out of gas, but lucky for her she is near a gas station. She walks the short distance and not having a gas can, fills the bed pan with gas. She walks back to the car, opens the gas tank lid and starts pouring in the gas from the bed pan. Two grizzled old timers who happen to pass by at that time see the nun filling the tank from the bed pan.

One old timer turns to the other one and says, "see that Marty? I turning Catholic right now"
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Old 12-13-2017, 11:55 AM   #700  
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Q. What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?

A. A receeding hare line.
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Old 12-16-2017, 01:06 PM   #701  
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Old 12-17-2017, 03:00 PM   #702  
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You want me to smell THAT????
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Old 12-21-2017, 07:26 PM   #703  
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Quote:
NEW JOB IN CHICAGO
Bob was on a plane flying to Chicago and the guy in the seat beside him was an emotional wreck…pale, hands shaking in fear.

"What's the matter, afraid of flying?" Bob asked.

"No, it's not that. I've been transferred to Chicago. Lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor schools, and the highest crime rate in the USA."

Bob replied, "I've lived in Chicago all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. I've worked there for 14 years and never had the slightest trouble."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you say it’s OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?

"I'm a tail-gunner on a Budweiser truck.

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Old 12-29-2017, 03:08 PM   #704  
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A Christmas Carol for Aviators


Quote:

Three pilots died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.


'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'


The Air Force pilot fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 'It did make light; you may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.


The Army pilot reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said, 'they had a ring to them, you may pass through the pearly gates'.


The Naval Aviator started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties… St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' ....the Naval Aviator replied, 'These are Carols.'
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Old 01-04-2018, 12:20 PM   #705  
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Quote:
A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library..

He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH
YOU!"


All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply
embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and
said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I
bet you felt embarrassed, right?"


"The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ...... I`M NOT
PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"


All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".
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Old 01-04-2018, 02:47 PM   #706  
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^^^^^
I kinda like that one.
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Old 01-08-2018, 09:51 PM   #707  
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Old 01-08-2018, 09:53 PM   #708  
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Old 01-08-2018, 09:56 PM   #709  
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Old 01-09-2018, 03:04 PM   #710  
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A Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.

Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.

Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle,
each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers,
and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.

The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the
crocodile really, really hard on the top of its head

The croc opened his mouth
and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer...

'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly
Spoke up........... 'I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!'
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Old 01-26-2018, 05:45 PM   #711  
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AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"
THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."
A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.
THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.
THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.
THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ***?"
THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.
THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.
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Old 01-26-2018, 05:49 PM   #712  
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Friday, it is about time.
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Old 02-01-2018, 09:01 AM   #713  
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Even hunters have big hearts...

This one was worth sending, almost brings tears to your eyes.

A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tall deer stand near Highway 7

early one cold December morning. Suddenly, a huge buck walked out

over the corn they had spread in the low shrubs. The buck was magnificent,

a once in a lifetime animal. His rack was huge. The hunter's hand shook

as his mind was already counting the Boone and Crockett points. Moving

Quickly, the hunter carefully aimed the Leopold scope on his .300

Win Mag at the unsuspecting buck.


As he was about to squeeze the trigger on this deer of a lifetime, his friend

alerted him to a funeral procession passing slowly down Highway 7. The
hunter pulled away from the gunstock, set the rifle down, took off his hat,
bowed his head and then closed his eyes in prayer.



His friend was stunned, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I

have ever seen you do. You actually let that trophy deer go to pay respects to

a passing funeral procession. You are indeed the kindest man I have ever

known, and I feel lucky to call you a friend. "


The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 37 years".



A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee, while another foursome of
Women is hitting from the ladies' tees. The ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet.
She goes over, swings again and whiffs it completely.
Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five
feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically,

'I guess all those f---ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help.'

One of the men responds, 'Well, there you have it... You
should have taken golf lessons instead!'




A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing

He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he Hears, Ribbit 9 Iron.'

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.

Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup.

He is shocked.

He says to the frog, 'Wow that's amazing.. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"

The frog replies, 'Ribbit Lucky frog.'

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

'What do you think frog?' The man asks.

'Ribbit 3 wood.'

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one...

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,

'OK where to next?'

The frog replies, 'Ribbit Las Vegas ..

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, 'OK frog, now What?'

The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, 'What do you think I should Bet?'

The frog replies, 'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the Hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, 'Frog, I don't know how to repay you you've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.'

The frog replies, 'Ribbit KissMe.'

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it..

With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

'And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.'
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Old 02-23-2018, 03:32 PM   #714  
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A guy is driving around the back woods of south Louisiana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.




'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'



The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'


'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard.’
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Old 03-26-2018, 02:03 PM   #715  
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The scene is some time in the old era when cockpits had round dials plus Flight Engineers and Navigators.

The crusty old-timer TWA Connie Captain is breaking in a brand new Navigator.

The Captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare shield. He asks the Navigator,

"Know what this is for?"

"No, sir," replies the newbie Navigator.

"I use it on Navigators that get us lost," explains the Captain, winking at his Copilot.

The Navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 and sets it on his chart table.

"What's THAT for?" queries the surprised Captain.


"Well, sir," replies the Navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
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Old 03-28-2018, 04:45 PM   #716  
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An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost.


Wandering about, he notices a lion heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep **** now!”

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the lion is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,"Boy, that was one delicious lion! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”


Hearing this, the young lion halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the lion, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!”

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the lion. So, off he goes.


The squirrel soon catches up with the lion, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the lion.

The young lion is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!”

Now, the old Doberman sees the lion coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says…….. "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!”
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Old 03-31-2018, 01:07 PM   #717  
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A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

A question mark walks into a bar?

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
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Old 03-31-2018, 06:04 PM   #718  
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Two atoms are walking along. One of them says:
“Oh, no, I think I lost an electron.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m positive.”


There are 2 types of people in this world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Biology is the only science in which multiplication is the same thing as division

A Higgs Boson walks into the bar on a Sunday, & the bartender says, “you gotta go to Church right now.” Higgs Boson asks, “Why?”. Bartender says, “Well, without you, they can’t have mass”.

Q: What is the name of the molecule CH2O?
A: Seawater

Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.
(Get it?)

Q: What is the name of the molecule bunny-O-bunny?
A: An ether bunny

Heisenberg is out for a country drive in his new Lamborghini.
A police officer stops him and asks :” Do you know how fast you were going?’
Heisenberg responds; ” No, but I know exactly where I am”

Referee report: “This paper contains much that is new and much that is true. Unfortunately, that which is true is not new and that which is new is not true.”

Please reflect on this paradox: “In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.”

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one says “I’ll have H2O”. The second one says “I’ll have H2O too”. The second one dies.

Q: Three kittens were on a roof. which one slipped off first?
A: The one with the lowest µ (“mew”: coefficient of friction).

Q: What did Gregor Mendel say when he founded genetics?
A: Woopea!

Never trust an atom… they make up everything!

Q: Why did Dracula quit grad school?
A: His next-generation sequencing results drove him bat ChIP crazy.

Q: Where do mice put their dead to rest?
A: A mouseoleum

A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books. The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others’ copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made. Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement. They ask him what is wrong and he says “the word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!”

“Home”: The place scientists hope to go when they die. Considered mythical.

An unemployed biologist was having considerable difficulty in finding a new job. He finally saw an add in a local newspaper for a position at a zoo. In the interview, the manager told him that their only gorilla, which had been a star attraction, had recently died, and it would be sometime before they could replace it. Meanwhile, they needed someone to dress up as a gorilla and pretend to be the animal. The biologist was quite embarrassed, but, being desperate for money, he accepted the job.
The next day, the biologist put on a gorilla skin and headgear and entered a cage from a rear entrance. Visitors smiled at him and threw bread. After a while, the biologist really got into the act. He jumped up and down, beat his chest and roared as people cheered.
The following day, the biologist entered the wrong cage by accident and found himself staring at a lion. The lion roared and rushed toward him. The scared biologist turned and ran, while screaming, “Help! Help!” The lion leaped onto the gorilla, knocked him to the ground and whispered in his ear, “Hey, it’s me Leonard, your former co-worker. Shut up or we’ll both lose our jobs!”

Hydrogen walks into a bar. Bartender hands him a drink. Hydrogen tries to pay. Bartender says “For you, no charge”.

Q: What did the proton tell the electron?
A: Don’t be so negative!

Oh, There You Are!
They just found the gene for shyness. They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind two other genes.

Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.
I was reading a book on anti gravity.
I found it difficult to put down.

Q: “How often do I make chemistry-related jokes?”
A: “Periodically!!”

Q: Which doctor is the worst seen by his patients?
A: The ophthalmologist.

I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.
After death, one scientist was sent to heaven. He tried to call the Lab but it was “very costly”. He saw one of his colleagues keep calling from the hell. He inquired from the gate keeper…why it is so…Gate keeper replied “Hell to Lab calls are always considered “local”.

Q: What is the most egoist creature living in the sea?
A: The “shelfish”.
Q: What do you do with a dead chemist?
A: Barium.
A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a couple of hours in the library.

Menage a trois! Ligands seeks two receptors into binding and mutual phosphorylation. Let’s get together and transduce some signals.

A proton, a neutron, and helium walk into a bar and order three beers.
The bartender appears with 3 beers and asks the proton, “Are you sure you’re over 21?” The proton replies, “I’m positive.” So the bartender gives him the first beer.
He gives the second beer to the neutron and says, “For you, no charge.”
He throws the third beer in helium’s face. Helium doesn’t react.

Dilbert(D) speaking to pointy haired boss(PHB) in 3 panels. 1. D-I did the analysis using your bad assumptions. 2. D-Then I applied your flawed logic and arrived at your predetermined answer. 3. D-Shall I begin disillusioning the team? PHB-This needs a pie chart.

Three statisticians go hunting for deer. They spot one off in the distance. The first one shoots about a meter too high, the second one, about a meter too low, the third one yells, “We got it!”

One mouse to another: “look at that fellow with white coat on. whenever I push the paddle, he starts writing something!!!”

A student is lucky enough to be riding on a train with Einstein and excitedly asks him, “Professor, does Boston stop at this train?”
Are you sure those instructions say to add hydrogen peroxide to the potassium iodide and soap solution??? Yikes!!

A photon checks into a hotel. When asked if it needs a bellman, it responds “No, I’m traveling light”

Supervisor to Postdoc- what happened to the clone you were working on? Did you get the clone?
PostDoc- I got the clone it is in the hospital….

Heisenberg and Schrödinger are driving along the Autobahn when they are stopped by a police officer. The cop says to Heisenberg, who is driving, “Do you know how fast you were going?!” Heisenberg says, “No, but I knew where I was.” “OK, smart guy,” says the cop, “I’m going to search your car.” So he does, and then comes back to the window. “Did you know you have a dead cat in a box in the truck?” Schrödinger says, “No, but I do now.”

A Chemistry professor silently forted while showing the class how to conduct chemical reactions. When students started making faces and whispering with each other, professor came to his own defense: “Class the side product of this chemical reaction is hydogen sulfide, smell awful isnt’ it”.
I was going to tell a good chemistry joke, but they argon.

When a third grader was asked to cite Newton’s first law, she said, “Bodies in motion remain in motion, and bodies at rest stay in bed unless their mothers call them to get up.”

If I cross two drosophila females “ménage-a-trois” with a male “barbie and ken” mutants, what is the result? Nothing, Barbie and Ken don’t have genitals.

PS. “ménage-a-trois” and “barbie and ken” are Drosophila gene names.

Q: Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations?
A: Because they don’t believe in higher powers.

Science Teacher: Oxygen is a must for breathing & for life.
It was discovered in 1773.
Student: Thank God ! I am born after 1773. Otherwise i would have been died without it.

For every PhD there is an equal and Opposite PhD.
A month Before Exams, we prefer Books of foreign authors.
A week before exams, we prefer Books of Local authors.
A day before exams, trying to read our own notes.
On the day of exam, we become authors.

An April 1st prank that always works in the lab: when a colleague has casted an agarose gel and is doing something else until the gel is done and ready to load, discretely replace the gel chamber with an identical chamber and comb, but pour water instead of agarose. Then wait! Funny how everybody reacts the same, gently tapping the side of the chamber every 10 min to check if the gel is finally done, trying to think about what might have gone wrong… Obviously this also works with polyacrylamide gels!

“If you’re NOT part of the SOLUTION; you’re part of the PRECIPITATE”

Please reflect on this paradox: “In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.”

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce “unionized”.

What does the diamond say to the diamond? “Sorry, I’ve been under a lot of pressure lately”

Lost in translation: Supervisor to student: “How did you manage to clone a C.elegans gene instead of the one we wanted?” Student: “I did as you told me and spread the bacteria after transformation onto pre-wormed plates.”

If the Space is curved… what floating shelf should I hang???!!!

An endothelial cell tells to an astrocyte: ‘Please, can you move your foot?’

Old chemistry teachers never die, they just fail to react.

Student: I… have a confession to Make Prof
Professor: Uh Oh
Student: I had an accident in the Lab
Professor: Did anyone die ?
Student: No
Professor: Is anyone going to sue us ?
Student: No
Professor: Was any eqipment permanently damaged ?
Student: No
Professor: Did you clean it up ?
Student: Of course
Professor: Did you get data out of it ?
Student: Actually yes…
Professor: CAN YOU DO IT AGAIN

Last edited by cosmomiller; 04-01-2018 at 06:58 AM.
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Old 04-09-2018, 11:36 AM   #719  
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Old 04-23-2018, 01:01 PM   #720  
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Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small Beretta Pistol

Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit.

*Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small Beretta Pistol*:

*This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.*

*What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?*

*Here's her story in her own words:*

"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.*

*If I had not had my little Beretta .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!*

Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His life insurance was a big bonus!”*
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